Arts Lab 7.0: Salma Hussein | Month IV - Let it go and eat some waffles!

You know when they say a month can change a lot? Yes, I bet it does! At least this is what happened with me this month. Even though not a lot of things happened around me, a lot inside me has changed, and I can see my character development and how I discovered myself more and actually learned how to build the personality I want, not just discover myself. And this is why I’m considering this my first step in being the me that I’m really proud of.

Findings: I found out that I’m just a kid who enjoys the little happy stuff, and I love the small-town vibes like Stars Hollow and search for them everywhere to feel warm at heart. I really enjoy being in costumes and experiencing different things in a different way, and I’m not afraid to be exposed in a way that’s not much comfortable for a lot of people.

Like what happened at Christmas, when I asked to wear the Santa Claus costume. At the same time, some people found it lame or childish, so they refused to wear it. I’m so happy that I’m the type of person who doesn’t have an image to protect or doesn’t let grown-up thinking stop them from being happy or enjoying new experiences, especially since this was one of my childhood dreams: to wear the Santa Claus costume.

I grew up in a Catholic school, and Christmas was a stable part of my life every year because we used to decorate our class, and my teacher used to wear Santa Claus’s costume. I always looked at him in an impressive way because he was so fun and made our childhood unforgettable. Now I think he’s going to be so proud of me.

My second finding was that I’m now in a very good place when it comes to accepting changes of plans, dealing with new updates, and improvising accordingly. I’ve become more peaceful with missing things that I was really looking forward to being part of, because I can’t fight destiny, I can only accept it peacefully and move on.

Now I know more than ever that what’s meant for you will never pass you. So I’m not crazy anymore about pushing things to happen or forcing things to be for me. What comes, comes, and what goes, goes. I will definitely let it go peacefully, without hard feelings or the feeling that I was betrayed by my plan. I will just say goodbye with a relieved heart, knowing that no more effort or fighting could work, or that something not written for me could be mine.

The hardest finding was that I don’t usually set many boundaries for myself, and this is apparently something I can’t fully control because it’s how I was raised. I always saw boundaries as the opposite of intimacy, and lack of intimacy meant the friendship was not real or not that close.

The culture shock for me happened after three months, not at the beginning, because I discovered that I’m not the type of person who can complain consistently or immediately say when something is not okay or not acceptable with my friends. For me, this counted as not being a good friend.

Now I’ve discovered that aside from being sensitive, full of emotions all the time, and caring about people’s feelings, I have to learn how to set boundaries so I can protect my heart from being available all the time or bearing things that I shouldn’t bear. Now I’m exposed to people with different backgrounds and ways of thinking, and they were raised in a different way. So I can’t expect everyone to be like me, and it’s the same for them.

This finding was about finding a common ground for us, so we don’t lose ourselves in love and can keep being ourselves without the need to pretend to be someone else.

But I have to say that my best finding this month was the ready-made waffles from Lidl, and I can’t thank my friend Alexandra enough for introducing them to me. Since that day, I make them for my friends in the house almost every day with Nesquik, and we have the best quality time ever. Now we’ve created our rituals!

Facts: Saying yes saved me this month. It exposed me to being more open and trying new things, and also to not staying in my bubble that much. It reminded me of how I was in my 20s, because I used to be like this so much until a lot of people abused my yes. Then I stopped saying it easily, and no was the first thing that always appeared in my mind.

Even when I said yes, it was always hesitant and not convincing enough, so I sometimes did things while thinking, “Why did I say yes in the first place?” But now I’m starting to find the balance, to pick my yes and give it to the things and people I see deserve it, or at least to things I’m really curious about. Not any yes for the sake of yes.

Like the yes I said to being Santa Claus at the Christmas market and living the small-town life for a day, like my favorite show Gilmore Girls. Or the yes I said to spending three days with Alexandra, my friend, I would never trade those three days for anything else because they were everything I dreamed of as a kid for Christmas night. Or the yes I said when Ștefan, my friend, asked me if I wanted to see the fireworks at the park on New Year’s Eve. Even though I had just come back from outside that day and it was freezing, I said yes because this is exactly how I wanted to start my year.

Something in me was upset when my traveling plans got canceled because it was a childhood dream to spend Christmas like the Home Alone movie, in Paris or New York, a big city with a big Christmas tree and snow. Maybe I didn’t get what I wanted, but I got exactly what I needed: cozy, warm vibes in a small town and feeling like I’m Lorelai Gilmore. That was everything for me.

Feelings: This month was nothing less than a roller coaster acting like it wasn’t a roller coaster. But because I’m the queen of roller-coaster feelings, I could tell. Some people can’t know what they’re exactly feeling, but for me, it’s always clear, and I’m always an open book to myself.

This month’s title was letting go, for real!

Letting go of people and places was never my thing, and I always found it so hard. But this month taught me that it’s not that hard to let go of people who don’t deserve your heart or your truth. And definitely, it comes at the least expected moment. Sometimes you only need a reason to give up and let go of people, and once you have that reason, it’s done forever. That door closes. It only requires self-respect to say, “I’m better than this. I deserve more,” and move on.

The excitement and curiosity this month were crazy. I met a lot of new friends because saying yes saved me big time. I know it’s always been easy for me to make friends, but this month was something else. I made friends in the least expected places, like the police station while getting my residency permit, in coffee shops, on the streets, or by meeting a friend’s friend. Then suddenly we were going to their home, eating something, watching their cats, meeting their boyfriends, telling our deepest secrets, and talking deep talk and silly talk like we’d been friends for 20 years.

The intimacy and happiness I felt while working with Monica on our Rroma residency is unbelievable. I learn from her every day how to be more generous, caring, and hardworking. I always feel like she’s the kind, wise witch who comes into your life and changes it forever.

Finally, my most stable feeling this month was every time I worked with kids, warmth and belonging. Their hugs and kisses, even within the first three seconds together, are beyond anything I wished for or needed in my life. It reminds me how lucky I am to be surrounded by them and how far I’ve come, from someone traumatized by kids and afraid of them to someone who was healed and now plans her life after this project to always stay around kids. Crazy, right? But yes, miracles do exist.

Future: I think this month will be the reason for me to make many decisions as a person who used to not be very open with feelings or share what really bothered me. I’ve decided to push myself to set more boundaries when I see the situation requires it.

I really want to travel more and discover more, even if the discovery is just walking down a new street for the first time and letting myself get lost and open my eyes more. I don’t want to miss making more memories with my second family here, because I know now that they are one of the best things that ever happened to me in my life.

I wouldn’t choose to be anywhere else but here, with them, doing exactly what I’m doing now.

This monthly report was written by Salma Hussein, our Egyptian volunteer taking part in a seven-month Arts Lab 7.0 mobility, co-funded by the European Union under the European Solidarity Corps.