Arts Lab 7.0: Hedvika Pekarova - Month I

As I came almost 2 months later than the other volunteers, my landing was quite easy. I entered a house with already settled rules, already formed friendships, and already prepared schedules. Which was very pleasant for me as I came with loads of issues in my head, and I really needed to be hidden for a while, just calmly merging with the house, focusing on my mental health. 

Coming here, my main priority is ceramics. I spent the whole summer connecting with so many different people, that I am full of easy, superficial, funny connections, and I have no interest in purchasing such experience anymore. I came because of ceramics, because I would like to allow myself to grow in the artistic field. My roommate Monica is the best match that could ever happen. Mihaela said it is because our top value is kindness. Well, I believe so. She showed me the studio, which is a quite messy place without a heating system or water. Honestly, I couldn't imagine working in such difficult conditions, but it is possible! The clay we have in the studio is all dry, all terracotta. Monica recycled some before my arrival, but if I want to do the pottery and bigger tile murals, I will need to recycle a lot more. Nevertheless, I am very happy to have this opportunity. It seems that me and Monica, we are just in the right place to support each other within the studio work, as her top priority is also her work (jewelry). 

Super Tineri is a very interesting organisation. It is based on Mihaela's management, and what I understood, the main goal is to connect Târgu people with art, provide art experiences to the youngsters of the city. This month we worked on a project connected with JEMOM. The Holocaust in the region of Iași. Such a hard topic for the beginning. I really don't like to go into the past to recall all the pain and just splash it outside. I don't like the topic of the Holocaust in general. My aim was to connect with what's left from this tragic history and work with the present emotions. 

At the beginning, I went to see the mass grave, I spent some time there wandering around, trying to feel through the emotional field. Near the grave, I did an automatic drawing with an automatic text which said: "It needs to be forgiven. What needs to be forgiven needs to be accepted first." And this was a theme of my whole month. The fact, that when you want to forgive something, you need to first hold the truth, name the truth, say what exactly happened, so you can forgive it deeply. Otherwise, it is just a foolish forgiving to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling of being uneasy with someone or something. 

I had a bit hard time understanding where are the priorities of the Organisation. I came to purchase my dream of becoming a ceramist, so of course I value my personal artwork the most. On the other hand, I observed that Mihaela sees a great value in our contact with the people in Târgu. Whenever we involve people, whenever we meet with people, whenever we show ourselves outside, it seems much more important for her. I didn't come here to play with kids, so it was quite frustrating to understand that this, from my perspective, "foolish" playing around with kids is perceived as important. I needed to lower my expectations to accept, that what I came here to do is not only fancy art and art providing, but also the simpliest social work of connecting with kids and providing the intercultural experience for them. It's alright, I understand now, so I can work with it. 

This month was very emotionally difficult. The heavy topic of the Holocaust kept us in a field of pain and anger. I cried a lot, a lot! As it was the month of my transition from Crete to Romania, my outside world was changing from happy, sunny summer in Greece, to grey, shadowy, humid, winter Romania. If I came from Czechia, the cultural shock would not be that intense, as our culture and weather is very similar. But people at Crete smile all the time, they communicate with strangers, they put a huge importance in the quality food. Oh the food. The first weeks I was only complaining about the food. Thanks god I discovered the vegetables and dairy market, which is my greatest secret pleasure in this place. 

So many things were changing in me. I shared my pain with the girls in the house. I felt accepted and supported. I truly value the community life for being able to support so much suffering and pain, as many people can hold each other in a way just a simple nuclear family cannot. Many girls had their troubles as well, I feel like we cried our way through November and December... 

Even though Târgu is a very small city, nature is unreachable here. This is the biggest tragedy of my life. As I am used to regulating my emotions through walking in nature, I tried to look for it on the edges of the city. Which turned out to be dangerous as I experienced a situation in which I accidentally found myself in a territory of a very angry dog. He and his friends pushed me away by barking and biting my legs. It was a traumatic experience, but not as traumatic as the rest of the day (National Independence Day) which I spent in hospitals. Firstly in Târgu, then in Iași. I was waiting several hours for the doctors to pass me from one hand to another to tell me at the end, that the dog's bite cannot be stitched, so they sent me home. They gave me the tetanus vaccine. When one of the doctors started to describe that I also need to go to take the rabies vaccine, which consists of three doses, I told him that there is no chance I'm going to accept that. My body was already so weak. I understood well, that the dog bite was a way for my body to make me see how much pain I'm going through. As the emotional pain is not visible, it is easy to simply ignore it. When you have a bleeding wound on your leg and it needs your constant attention, you understand that you need to be gentle with yourself. So I said no, he made me sign some papers and I went home. 

So the nature is not reachable for me to regulate emotions, so I regulate them poorly. I must say, that this lowers the quality of my life a lot. But I find my way. I go to church a lot, to light a candle, to pray, to lean my back on the linden trees behind the church. I sing, sometimes I go to the studio just to cry and sing. What is also! very difficult... is the fact, that the only privacy I have is outside of the house.

Since Beyza (my other roommate from Turkey) came, we are three in the room. I like the girls a lot, we are all very tidy, so the room is always in good shape! Which, in this big messy house, is like a princess's secret palace. Nevertheless, I can't find a place where I could spend some intimate moments only with me and my body. Maybe that's why the hot water in the shower is always out, as it is generally considered the only way how to spend time in privacy! I feel that I suppress my sexuality a lot here, which is not the safest thing to do. I wish this natural human need of intimacy was considered important! 

I experienced so many beautiful moments, which made me understand that the community way of living is something I was missing in my human experience. I feel that in a nuclear family, the roles are fixed and there is nothing to do about it. I cannot escape, I don't have a chance to change. But within so many people, I can be openly caring one day, and the other day I can close up and focus only on myself, and it doesn't hurt anyone. 

Because there are so many of us, someone will always help you. In a community, I can say no, and I don't feel guilty. This is what I truly appreciate. I am, in fact, in love with it. I feel that my main aim in the future months is to observe the Self, to see the Self, to understand the Self. I was for so many years disconnected from my Self, that now I feel genuinely attracted to it more than to other people. Well, let's see. 

The most important from this month: I met the ceramics studio and found out the possibilities. I started my relationship with the wheel. We are dating now. I need to be gentle and patient. I observe the tree branches a lot a looot! The vegetable market is the best place in Târgu. I am not afraid of dogs, even after the traumatizing attack. Halva in Romania is made from sunflower seeds. Old ladies in Târgu still wear the same scarf as I have after my grandma. People in Târgu still use horses to drive around. The architectural aesthetics are very messy, as people mix a variety of decor and materials. I found the best folklore CD, I am in heaven while listening to this music in studio. Our group can deal with conflicts and remain together. The African food is heaven. Especially Anes's and Aya's cuisine. The wild herbs in Târgu are the same as in Czechia. Sunătoarea helps with the mental issues. I do miss nature. People here are afraid of Romanian nature. I love to exhibit my artwork. I do feel safe with our house boys. I do feel safe.

This monthly report was written by Hedvika Pekarova, our Czech volunteer taking part in a six-month Arts Lab 7.0 mobility, co-funded by the European Union under the European Solidarity Corps.