Arts Lab 7.0: Hedvika Pekarova - Month II

Well, what can I say? In late December I finally started to feel rooted in this place, in this project. 

It was also because of the major conflict that happened in the house. It pushed us to be closer to each other. To be more present. I need to talk about it, because, at that moment, nothing seemed more important. From what I understand, Kerem didn't manage to filter the heaviness of emotions connecting the Pogrom in Romania, conflicts between friends, and also conflict from the world perspective... and his mind switched to a mental state which was not at all common for him before. He put Mihaela in danger with his behavior, so he needed to be sent home. It was very difficult for all of us, as we didn't know what he might do. Noone knew, especially girls, we got very frightened as we still lived with him under one roof, even during the conflict solving. I did feel in danger. I did feel very unsafe. Fortunately, I had a very nice talk with our other boys, and they explained to me that for them it is not a dangerous situation unless Kerem has a gun. Meaning, that they are not yes afraid. But they told me that they are at the same time very aware of what's going on, ready to act if the situation needs it. This helped me to understand that even though I'm scared, it doesn't mean I'm not safe. Thank you, boys! 

So on the emotional level, December was very heavy. I did my best not to bring this heaviness home. If I talk about something beautiful, that was the JEMOM exhibition. Even though it took place in the Hub and we didn't have the proper lights nor the proper installation equipment, I did feel like I was truly exhibiting my art. It was my first "almost propre" exhibition. During this event, I understand that this it truly my place in the world. I loved to be there, I loved to see my artwork amongst the art of others, I loved to talk about it. It resonated a loud YES in my heart to follow this path of talking art through ceramics. It would be also be important to say how much I enjoyed the play of other volunteers. To be able to at least observe such a great collaboration of so many artists. To see what kind of art people are able to create within just a few days. I felt very proud to be a silent observer. 

The other important event was the Christmas market. Monica and I, we really tried our best to create the products for selling. Other volunteers helped us, but it was mainly the two of us who managed all the work. Out of Monica's hands there came the little magnet heads of different creatures. I spend most of my time on glazing. It was my very first time glazing the whole kiln, and I  must say, that I am proud of myself, how much I've learned in my previous work at Crete. Unfortunately, I always forget how much time the glazing takes, so I finished just before midnight. 

In my heart, there was an enormous grieving going on. I would go to church almost every day, just to pray and to light a candle. Coming back after Christmas, I feel that the grief softened and somehow started to vanish. I still feel it, but it is definitely less demanding. I can go days without crying. One day I woke up, it was something around the 15th of January... and I felt happiness again. My heart is able to feel the profound happiness again. Thank God! Because of this mental state of mine, it can be very difficult to focus on work. To focus. But somehow I manage. I am very thankful that I can be here, going through all of this within a group, not at all alone. Being a part of the community makes me feel safe. It also has a lot of challenges. 

In January my main emotion would be frustration. I am frustrated because of my personal life, that's what I try to manage alone, outside, walking, talking with friends and psychotherapist... But I am also very frustrated with the outside world. The only beauty that I get in touch with is the branches of the trees here in Târgu. After my arrival from Czechia, I set out to find a forest. And I did. Nevertheless, it is very important to take a wooden stick anywhere I go, as there was again an angry dog coming towards me. Fortunately, his boss saw him and made him come back behind the fence. I am frustrated because some people in the house don't respect the quiet hours. I went to buy the earplugs, but they work just partially. My need is to go to sleep around eleven, which is mostly impossible. What is even more impossible is to go to sleep around midnight, which surprisingly became the loudest hour in this house. I am frustrated, because I slowly realise that I am disappointed by this project. I see that I expected much more than what I'm actually able to get from it. I was told that I will be able to create my portfolio here, which doesn't seem very possible to me. I was told that I will have access to a ceramics studio. Well, the fact is that the ceramics studio has neither water nor a heating system, which makes it quite impossible to work in there during winter. Well, if I knew about this, I would certainly not be coming, that's for sure. But now I'm here, and I know that I'm profiting from other treasures here. Mainly, the community of such beautiful people. The people are the best part of this project. Thank you guys! 

I am frustrated because I feel that we are more likely to be appreciated as social workers than as artists. Which makes me almost angry, because I spend last 4 years working as a teacher and social worker... and I certainly do not need to volunteer in a field in which I've already got a job. The system doesn't allow us to go deeper, to do something really meaningful. It pushes us to work quickly and efficiently. And for me, it is very certain that to create something real (and with kids), it needs a lot of time and focus from both sides. I think it would be solved in the form of weekly circles with kids. If I see one kid every week, if the kid chooses me every week, if the kid comes because of ceramics every week, it creates a kind of consistency that leads to more possibilities. 

Not to be just negative, I must admit that I enjoy this residency a lot. This month we had a topic of Rroma culture, so Marah and I, we prepared drawing and dancing, and the kids at Trinitas were just so amazing. With their mothers and grandmothers, the space accepted us warmly and kindly, and I felt a lot of appreciation from their reaction. This was truly a lovely experience. 

I am frustrated because the house is soooo not built for 15 people. It has the potential to become a good place, but mainly because of the lack of storage, it drives me crazy. We all try our best to maintain order, but how can you maintain order when things don't have their place? And they truly don't. When Mihaela came and put some Halloween decorations in the hall, it stayed there for almost a month, because noone knew where to put this mess. And it was a mess. And the same thing happens in the studio. Monica and I put so much effort into cleaning that place. But I didn't know that it serves as a place for "whatever we don't know where to put." Now I feel like I do not want to put any more of my energy into cleaning and organizing a place that cannot stay clean and organized. I did really care. But now I understand that the mess is not because of the people before us being messy. The mess exists because these places don't have any order. And that is very tiring. 

We did another Jemom exhibition at the house of culture, and also another theater play. It left me breathless how different the play expressed itself in the proper theater. I felt so proud of my colleagues. So proud! And also, I took the opportunity to manage the exhibition and not to leave the artworks be just disrespectfully leaning on the wall or on the table. In my eyes, it is very important to give the artworks the proper appreciation. In the end, it is our work! So I felt like we managed to truly create a good installation, and I had a very good feeling from being the one who could organize it a little bit. I would like to have the opportunity to be the exhibition curator again in the future. 

Thank you for everything, even though I'm going through a phase of great frustration, I know that I am in the right place. I try to get a gold out of this mud. In the end, I am the ceramist, I am the potter.

This monthly report was written by Hedvika Pekarova, our Czech volunteer taking part in a six-month Arts Lab 7.0 mobility, co-funded by the European Union under the European Solidarity Corps.