Arts Lab 7.0: Hedvika Pekarova - Month IV

This month was a muddy, bloody roller coaster. In the very beginning, we went to the midterm in Bucharest, which was more exciting than I had expected it to be. I finally got the energy to meet new people, to experience a big city, so it was perfect timing. I must say that the Mid-term seminar surprised me with a very well-managed program. I really did enjoy all the talking, working, playing, laughing, and crying, we shared. In my group, we were only girls, which helped us even more easily go into the deeper layers. Our facilitators created a quality time-space for us to share, and it led to a very deep connection between us, strangers. 

After the three days, I was so full of gratitude and appreciation that my whole body felt relaxed. It was also because of the silence in my room, the clean space around me, the food that someone else prepared for me...  What else can I say? I've seen Bucharest, it was pretty. I've met new girls, also very pretty. Especially one girl, Rubaba from Azerbaijan, we somehow stayed in each other's hearts even after only these few days. Because of her presence, unfortunately, my childhood trauma got triggered again in its full power. So when Monica and I arrived in Nocrich, the scout center in the middle of Transylvania, the only thing I wanted was to be in silence, observe the nature in the backyard of the Nocrich volunteer's house, and breathe. And also to go outside and meet some kids and play with them and dance with them on the field to the manele music, while observing the Karpathian mountains in the far landscape. They taught me how to shake my hips, it's crazy to me, how good dancers these little girls were. Well, thank you! 

On my birthday, we had a pottery workshop in Nocrich center, and because of my beginner potter's skills, it somehow happened that I ended up participating as a teacher on the wheel. 20 people,  just me and Maria (another young potter) on the wheel. Which was actually the best way to celebrate. And also with vișinată, thank you, Leo! During our stay, we visited another project, Sighișoara, where I met a Czech girl! There are 20 volunteers living in an ancient hotel, so they call it "the palace." And it truly is a palace. On our way back to Târgu, we visited Sibiu. Also very beautiful city city:) 

My coming back to Târgu Frumos was also me thinking that the only thing that I wanted to stay and continue (because of my previous frustration) was the community of people in which I was living. I came to ask the girls for emotional support because of the trauma revelation. I found out that I can feel safe only when I feel another person's presence, physically. Salma and I even managed to create this "roller coaster" secret word, after which we just went to lie down on the couch and hug each other for 20 minutes. God bless these moments! Unfortunately, the same day Ramadan started. So the quiet hour was no longer disturbed only by people wanting to stay up till 2 am, but also by fasting people waking up after 4 to have suhoor. 

The first week was also the week of our artworks, so the schedule was very very veeery liberate. Some people just decided not to go sleep at all and basically stay up the whole night till 5 AM and then sleep through the whole day until the first food. And I try to be calm and rational, but it makes me upset even now, because it truly felt like there was a lack of respect in everything. But in me too. I started to be so frustrated again, and in my eyes, the frustration got even bigger, because I imagined that this party would last the whole month. So I got upset and angry, and people got upset and angry too, because it was just apparently so very uncomfortable for them to fast outside of their families and countries... and they were so very angry with our coordinator and putting all the uncomfortableness on her shoulders and making it her fault. And this seems so stupid, but why are you even here if you are not able to respect the creator of the project?  And also it felt almost like "if you're not with us, you're against us.' Wanting all the advantages, not seeing that there are also people not fasting around them... not being loud enough, that it even got into a point, where "lunch breaks" somehow disappeared from the schedule? And us "not fasting" needed to remind Mihaela, that we are still here... well, this was rather funny. 

I got very angry and stressed about the interrupted sleep, so I stopped being kind and respectful. At some point, a conflict between Loay and me escalated, and (because of the group dynamic which just revealed itself very clearly after this), suddenly there was another scapegoat in the group (I see now, that this role is very often given to Mihaela), so people were entitled to say their problems with ME while not actually coming up with it and confronting ME about it. Which is unacceptable.

So I came to Mihaela, firstly asking, what if the sleeping problem cannot be solved, so I would just leave the project. Afterwards, it was just me asking, what if I want to leave the project.  And I kept tracking my decision for another 10 days, and in the end, I saw that even though I got very excited about the Emotional project, which is just opening, my answers were 100% to leave. So, I was thinking it through, and I decided to stay for another  3 weeks, so I have a chance to finish everything I want to finish... and afterwards just leave. 

And the spring is finally here! The birds are singing even more than before, and people are repairing their greenhouses. The horse poop smell is in the air as the fields are getting nourished. It is beautiful. We finally found out what is best to make the fire, so the house started to be warm... The Cucuteni exhibition was an amazing experience. I was dressed up like a "tree lady," and my interactive part was to imagine that you are  a tree. So the space was full of people holding branches, and even though it sounds silly, I think it turned out to be very popular. I, at least, enjoyed it very much. Trees are my people. When I feel like not belonging anywhere, which happened to me after this very wrongly managed conflict, I just go back to trees; they always accept me, they are forever my people. I want to say a big thank you to Monica and Cristina for spending some beautiful moments with me, even though this weird situation was going on in the house. 

I want to thank Oliwia for being objective even through the moments when other people found it safer to stay quiet, not to be considered on my side of the conflict.   I learned through this lesson that I cannot put my anger on other people unless it is fair. That other people might get scared, and also most importantly, offended! And that if I cannot respect someone, it is better to leave. As I don't want to be disrespectful. And because I find no respect in me towards a community that needs a scapegoat to project the unresolved problems on, I need to leave this project.

This monthly report was written by Hedvika Pekarova, our Czech volunteer taking part in a six-month Arts Lab 7.0 mobility, co-funded by the European Union under the European Solidarity Corps.